Never look back

    The title here is "never look back" and I chose this title because I made the mistake of looking back at my first ever blog post and am utterly embarrassed by myself. There is nothing more embarrassing then seeing your teenaged self and even worse when you see the mindset, I mean if there was a perfect example of teen angst that was me. Good grief, I don't know if I'm more embarrassed by the subject matter or the outpouring of emotions coming through the writing. Don't misunderstand, I still have a great love for Vampires and the paranormal/occult, that will never change but the show of emotion is so unlike the person I am now. I would hope so being that I'm basically 30 now and I started this blog when I was 17 or so, and over the years I've either gotten better at controlling my emotions or just stopped showing and talking about them. Which neither is really a good thing but if I would've known what being a real adult was going to be like I might not have complained so much. However looking back showed me just how much I've truly grown in 12 years and I have to say that I am extremely proud of myself, I made it through what at the time I thought was "the worst". Am I still depressed? Of course, but like me it has grown and developed into something I can more clearly talk about and accept about myself. 

    Depression for me is something I fight with everyday and making it through a day is a great accomplishment as it should be seen for everyone else who deals with depression on a daily bases. I've decided that I was going to start being a more positive person and not let my depression stop me from doing things that could greatly benefit me. I made a decision not too long ago to sell all my material items and travel, it didn't last as long as I would've hoped but for that month I was so happy. I was happy because I felt free, I had finally escaped my tall tower which is my hometown and it felt amazing. I call it my "tall tower" not because I think of myself as a princess but because it's a perfect representation of the way I felt. I thought a lot about it and what if all this time the tower in fairytales was a metaphor for the mind and the dragon guarding the tower is our defense mechanisms we use to protect ourselves from being hurt by the many "knights" who try to carry us away. How many so called knights has our dragons destroyed or devoured because they weren't worthy of us? I think it was this realization that has helped me see that I can be happy and sometimes we need to defeat our own dragons to get there. We gotta stop waiting for a "knight in shining armor" to come and save us from ourselves and at least try to weaken the dragon before they come depending on the situation. Anyway that's all for now...

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