...And we're back!

As hoped my days have gotten better little by little, the sun has started to shine, and all the other corny ways to say it got better. I would like to say that it's a change that will stick around but lets be real, you never know when it's gonna happen it just does. Depression... I've never really said it to the public but I think it's time I did. Yes I have depression, yes my quirky remarks and jokes are my way of hiding the fact that it's always there. I try to make others laugh in hopes that their genuine happiness will maybe come my way and make me feel a little less useless. I know, that seems a bit excessive but come on if you know me you know everything I do is "extra" even my depression. The thing most people don't really get about me is that I deal with my depression everyday it's just some days are worse than others. Yes I've tried medication but the only thing it did was make me irrational and overly emotional, which if you do know me I hate showing emotion more than anything. I guess you could say I'm one of the few emotionally unavailable women you'll ever come to know, I do try to be understanding and empathetic but it is really hard for me to do. The thought of trying to comfort someone gives me the "icks", I just can't bring myself to be comfortable with consoling and the appropriate touches that are required. The weird thing is I'm totally fine with sex and all the touching that comes with, I find it amazing but I think my problem is affection. I think if maybe I actually tried to be affectionate I'd be great, I just don't want to waste it on someone who doesn't deserve it. I suppose we'll have to wait and see if I ever find someone who is worthy.

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